Grandparents left out to often. Jimmy & Margaret.

From The Times
June 27, 2009

Grandparents are left out of the family picture too often

When parents separate, grandparents can find themselves cut off from grandchildren with no rights. The law should change

Joan Bakewell

Stage lights sway beside the tall trees in Regents Park theatre on Saturday night, casting a golden glow on Beatrice and her reluctant wooer, Benedick. It was shivering cold, but our hearts were warm, first because of the play, but also because I was there in the company of my grandson. Much Ado had been a set text at school so he got the plot and understood the rude jokes as much as I did. The following morning we were off again, just the two of us, grandma and grandson, heading for the British Library and its exhibition of Henry VIII. Yes, my grandson is already in his teens and enjoys these one-to-one weekends almost as much as I do.
Jimmy and Margaret Deuchars in Glasgow had a fine time with their granddaughters at half-term, too. The two teenagers stayed over in their home and went on outings to Loch Lomond and such, just the sort of treats grandparents enjoy sharing. But in Jimmy and Margaret’s case it hasn’t always been that easy.

The Deuchars lost their daughter to breast cancer only weeks after her second baby was born. Her husband soon married again and moved away to Liverpool. His new family took precedence in his life and the grandparents found contact hard. Their requests to keep in touch came to nothing. They realised that they had lost more than their daughter. But they weren’t willing to accept the situation, and went to court. The laws of this country do not acknowledge any legal relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. However, after a somewhat heated negotiation, the families came to an agreement. In the years that followed they would meet their granddaughters once a month at Carlisle Castle or the Tesco near by. It wasn’t much of a family life, but it would have to do. However, they didn’t stop there.

When I was first a grandparent, about 17 years ago, grandparents didn’t have much of a profile. They were simply bundled in with the general family background and not expected to have much of a role. All that has changed, and people such as Miriam Stoppard are writing delicious books about the joys and rewards, but also about the skills and pitfalls of what I suppose must be called “grand parenting”. Being a grandparent, it seems to me, can be gloriously free of rule books and restrictions. There is only one qualification — parentage — and after that you make it up as you go along.

These days, grandparents are altogether more important in the community of families, a consequence, no doubt, of the fact there are more and more of us — 14 million at last count. The sad thing is that as many as a million of us have lost touch as a result of our children’s divorce or separation. Paternal grandparents are usually the most deprived because women — mothers — are awarded custody of their children in 90 per cent of divorce cases. So the fathers’ parents lose out. A report by the Grandparents Association of an admittedly small sample found that while 55 per cent of grandparents were directly involved in their grandchildren’s care before the separation, 67 per cent found themselves excluded from care afterwards and 42 per cent lost all face-to-face contact.

This is a regrettable situation. But the law — currently the Children Act 1989 — is framed to put the interests of the child foremost. So let’s consider the child’s needs: first the worst-case scenario, there are desperate families where drugs and drink are wrecking the lives of young children. I know of situations where the intervention of a grandparent offers exactly the support that young children need. Less dramatically, 20 per cent of children are growing up in a one-parent family: again the presence of older role models broadens their social horizons.
More positively still, research last year by the University of Oxford in collaboration with the Institute of Education found that “involved grandparents” had a major impact on adolescent wellbeing. The research’s principal investigator, Professor Ann Buchanan, said: “What was especially interesting was the links we found between ‘involved grandparents’ and adolescent wellbeing. Closeness was not enough: only grandparents who got stuck in and did things with their grandchildren had this positive impact on them.”

This is where Jimmy Deuchars comes in again. So distressed were he and Margaret over the struggle to gain access to their granddaughters that they founded Grandparents Apart UK, a support group to help others in the same plight. That was five years ago.
They have seen great improvements. The group consulted with the Scottish Executive to shape a Charter for Grandchildren, which was introduced in Scotland in May 2006.

This says that “on occasions professional organisations such as social work departments or the courts . . . may have to make decisions that will have a lasting impact throughout a child’s life. In these circumstances it is vital in touch with her young grandchildren. She is being refused the easy and regular access she would like. She has written to her MP, Andrew Dismore, of Lab Hendon, who referred it for a reply to Baroness of Dreflin Morgan, the minister responsible for this policy area.

Speaking of Scotland’s Charter for Grandchildren, Lady Morgan wrote: “Although we have no plans to produce a similar document in England, I think it is fair to say that the principles of the charter are already well established through case law, government policy and the Children Act 1989 itself.”

That isn’t enough. A report this week from the Grandparents Association, the Family Matters Institute and Families Need Fathers demonstrates that grandparents have scarcely more rights over their grandchildren than complete strangers. They certainly have fewer than step-parents who, if they have lived with a child for more than three years, have an automatic right of access.
Grandparents who are determined to reach their grandchildren must be prepared to embark on lengthy and sometimes expensive legal proceedings. Given that grandparents are likely to be getting on in years, this isn’t an appropriate action. The law needs to be changed to provide for grandparent access as a right. Nothing less will do.

www.grandparentsapart.co.uk


Have your say

It is time people put children first, internal family wars bring unstability in childrens lifes, and money for the courts. Kids world wide are one of the biggest industries. So untill families get it right which will not happen kids will continue to be abused in all ways. LET KIDS HAVE A VOICE.
Maggie Tuttle, Essex, UK

I was just saying to my husband this morning - "how important grandparents are to their grandchildren"; - after noticing a granddad in a garage, explaining a woodwork project with his grandson...I commented on how grandparents can offer patience and wisdom when the parents are short of both.
Anna, Florida, USA,

Regardless of whether you get on with your parents/in-laws children need to be allowed to enjoy their grandparents. Where are people's priorities? Grandparents are priceless. Change the law and take the decision out of bitter parent's hands. My parents have spent 2 1/2 years in court-its very sad.
Angela, London,

I agree with Melanie, we do not need any more laws. I would rather the police concentrate on what they should be doing - catching criminals. These matters need to be resolved within the family.

Charles, Warrington,
My kids grandparents couldnt care less to see my 5 children. They are well behaved, funny and old enough to not need nappy changes. They never babysit, never visit, forget birthdays! I bought presents and forged their names for the kids. And yes we stopped asking for involvment from then long ago.
Lisa, SLC,

My kids grandparents couldnt care less to see my 5 children. They are well behaved, funny and old enough to not need nappy changes. They never babysit, never visit, forget birthdays! I bought presents and forged their names for the kids. And yes we stopped asking for involvment from then long ago.
Lisa, SLC,

Why is the reaction always to create more legislation? Why can't it remain just what it is - a family matter to be determined and resolved within families? Bringing in laws, enforcement, police, etc etc will not create a happy and healthy environment for children to be brought up in.
Melanie, Preston,
Joan, be thankful you are blissfully unaware of how poisonous some grandmothers can be. To give such self-centred meddlers legal rights would be a terrible injustice inflicted upon otherwise happy families.
jasper, chelmsford,

My mother is an interfering, undermining, meddling, manipulative and insufferable woman. I do not trust her near my children. It is mine and my partners choice, as parents, to have nothing to do with her or to have her anywhere near our children. Our lives would be a misery.
ian, Edinburgh, Scotland
In the US as I understand it there are laws that allow 30 days a year access to grandchildren. My eldest daughter over a row over a bottle of wine while on holiday with us has not spoken to me for 3 years and has forbidden her teenage children from any further holidays with me or any contact with me
john, Brighton, UK

What about grandparents who really can't be bothered? Why assume they're all eager to spend time with their grandchildren and help their offspring with childcare? In my experience, they're more interested in their pets, alcohol or hobbies than some noisy messy child. Typical selfish babyboomers.
Jackie, Worcestershire, UK

You cannot legislate for this kind of thing. Joan Bakewell, sense of entitlement firmly fixed, completely ignores the fact that contact with a grandparent is not always desirable. What if a grandfather is a paedophile who has never been caught? They would be delighted to have such a law.
Emily, London,

Over-entitled women, having manipulated family law to their advantage in their youth and middle age, want to amend it to their advantage now that they are grandmothers. The only surprise is how little they appreciate the damage they have done, even now they're real victims themselves.
Rob, Reading, UK

Why should we be forced to play happy families? My mother is interfering, manipulative and divisive. If my husband, our children and I chose to exclude her from our lives that is, and must remain, our decision.
isobel, ashford, uk

The essential role that grandparents do play in children’s lives. Dedicated Grandparents are the huge army that are never recognised officially for their tireless love and protection for children which comes automatically to them. Being mostly available 24/7 for caring for children but do suffer the indignity of being ignored as irrelevant persons. This is an army that doesn’t need to be bought with up to £200,00p a week (from a hard pressed public purse) to buy care for each child that often attracts the wrong kind of people. A lot do need help but not bought. There is a lot of them caring for their grandchildren that do not need or accept a penny but do it because it is their own flesh and blood. The ‘Charter for Grandchildren’ does not ask for legal rights for grandparents or anything like that. There is too much opposition from the government for that and god only knows why. It asks for the professionals to look more closely at the role grandparents can play in their children’s lives to make them utilize the benefits grandparents can be, like keeping a child in a stable home environment, maintaining a child’s identity, health history, keeping extended family connections rather than strangers which renders a child confused, resentful and withdrawn effect which carries with them through-out their whole lives.
Jimmy Deuchars, Glasgow, Scotland

I have seen a number of situations where grandparents have put so much pressure on the parental relationship (usually be criticising son or daughter in law) that the marriage breaks down. In that situation, grandparents should have no right to be involved with the children at all. Lucy, London,

Sally -I'm a grandfather.Like so many grandparents we've had to help both my children financially.We're unpaid childminders 5 days a week,and the Bank of Mum and Dad has helped with mortgages,and food and clothing for the grandkids. Don't talk about maintenance,it cost thousands each year already,
Mike, Dunstable, England

Sally, why should grand parents rights depend on maintenance? They should be there as part of the family background of the child not how much money they can cough up. And, Selena, why is it repelent that a grandparent should have rights of access to his or her own grandchildren.
Gareth James, Cardiff, Wales

Hang on, if grandparents want "rights" from the outset in divorce proceedings then they must also take responsibility. That means maintenance. And if then they have this responsibility it will apply to all grandparents regardless of whether they want contact or not. It is not so simple.
sally, uk,
I would like some involvement from my children's paternal grandparents and great-grandmother, but sadly, my husband's family have shown no interest in seeing their grandchildren at all. My mother is the only grandparent our children have ever known. My husband will never forgive his family for this.
Elisabeth, UK,
While it may often be desirable for grandparents to be a part of their grandchildren's lives, I find the suggestion that they should have any legal rights whatsoever repellent.
Selena, Sydney,