We thought we'd never see the girls again.

A Glasgow couple reveal why they want a change in the law to recognise the rights of grandparents

from the Sunday Times March 22 2009
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/families/article5949849.ece

Jimmy and Margaret Deuchars’ daughter Susan was seven months pregnant when she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. From her hospital bed she asked her parents to make a promise that after she died they would look after her two-year-old daughter and baby girl.
“It was such a difficult time but we told her that we would always be there for them,” says Jimmy. “We loved them and they were our last link to our daughter.”
Three years after Susan died, her husband, Joe, and his new girlfriend announced they were moving from Glasgow to Liverpool. Jimmy and Margaret, who had given much of their time to caring for the children, were sad to see them go but agreed to visit and have the girls to stay.
It wasn’t long before the arrangements began to unravel. Visits were cancelled on the flimiest of pretexts. Meetings that did take place were stressful and often cut short. Afterwards Jimmy and Margaret would drive back to Glasgow in tears, fearing that they were being pushed out of their grandchildren’s lives.

“It was like losing Susan all over again,” says Margaret. “It was devastating to think we might lose touch with Nicola and Joanne, too. Our two sons would say, ‘You don’t have to put yourself through this’. But people don’t realise the bond that exists between grandparents and their grandchildren. There was no way we could let them go.”

After six months without seeing the children, the couple grew desperate. “We thought that was it — we were being denied contact altogether,” says Jimmy. Remembering the promise they had made to their daughter they hired a lawyer but were shocked to learn that they had no legal rights to see their grandchildren.

“In the eyes of the law, we are classed as irrelevant persons,” says Jimmy. “There is no need to acknowledge grandparents.”

It’s a predicament that more and more grandparents are facing. As the divorce rate rises, an estimated 7,000 people in the UK are being forcibly kept apart from their grandchildren. According to the Grandparents’ Association, 90% of the callers who contact them are fearful of being cut out of their grandchildren’s lives after a relationship break-up. In many cases the close relationship they enjoyed with the children is destroyed along with the marriage.

For the Deuchars the situation was resolved after a mediation session, arranged by a family court in Liverpool, at which both sides got a chance to air their views. Jimmy says it began badly, with a barrage of accusations, but eventually an agreement was reached. He and Margaret could see Nicola and Joanne once a month and have them to stay during school holidays.

“It was terrifying at the time,” says Margaret. “The night before the court date I never slept a wink. I was so worried about not being allowed to see the girls.”
Since then visits have become much more frequent and relaxed after Jimmy and Margaret’s son-in-law, Joe, split up with his girlfriend. “He was never the problem,” says Jimmy. “It was his former girlfriend who didn’t want anything to do with his first wife’s family.”

Now they are older, Nicola, 15, and Joanne, 17, stay with their grandparents during the school holidays. “We have some special moments. They tell me things that they wouldn’t tell their dad. I like that we have that trust. That’s what grannies are for,” says Margaret.

After enduring such a harrowing experience, Jimmy and Margaret decided to do something to help the growing number of people in a similar situation. “When it happened to us, we didn’t know where to turn for help. Everywhere we turned was another dead end,” says Jimmy. “So we set up a group called Grandparents Apart so that other people would have someone to talk to and ask for advice.

“I remember how bad I felt when we were going through the worst times. I felt that life wasn’t worth living. I only snapped out of my depression when I hired a lawyer and took action to see the girls again.”

The Deuchars’ organisation in Glasow has received thousands of calls and e-mails from distraught grandparents around the UK. “We have had calls late at night but we never turn anyone away because I know what it’s like to go through that,” says Margaret.

Jimmy points out it’s a nightmare scenario that can affect anyone. “Like us, most people don’t give it a thought until it happens to them. We didn’t. You still get grandparents who say, ‘Oh, that would never happen to us because our family would never do that to us’. But you can’t predict what’s going to happen. It really can affect anyone and when it does, it’s very painful. I had one person on the phone who said, ‘Thank God you were there or I might have ended it’.
“I also know of people who have spent up to £50,000 on legal fees trying to gain access to their grandchildren.”

The lack of legal rights afforded to grandparents is something else Jimmy and Margaret are attempting to redress. They are campaigning for a change in the law to recognise the rights of grandparents; this Wednesday, in Dundee, Grandparents Apart UK will be holding a peaceful demonstration against social services’ family policy. “Grandparents play a significant role in many children’s lives and that should be taken into account by the courts when determining a child’s future,” says Jimmy.

The couple have had several meetings with Scottish government officials and were consulted when the Family Law Act was being drawn up in 2005. Their Charter for Grandchildren, which calls on adults to take into account what children want, has been adopted as an advisory document by the government although it does not form part of the Family Law Act.

“We tried to get it made law but it didn’t go through. What we want is for the government to make it mandatory for professionals who deal with children to use the charter when deciding custody and access arrangements,” says Jimmy. “We want the best solution for children and usually that includes the stability of being with grandparents who they’ve known all their lives.”

Now that Nicola and Joanne are older, how do they feel about their grandparents’ struggle that they were too young to understand at the time? “I think they’re really proud. They appreciate the fact that we put up a fight for them,” says Jimmy.

Margaret agrees. “They were definitely worth fighting for and I’d say that to anyone in our position. As long as it’s about love for your grandchildren, you don’t give up.”

http://www.grandparentsapart.co.uk/

Jimmy and Margaret Deuchars’ story is told in Battle Lines on BBC Radio Scotland on Friday, March 27 at 11.30am.